Musings

I am cracker dry
not a place for life to grow
not a place to fester and rot and get moldy
not a place to become overrun with mushrooms and teeming with decay
not a place of renewal

I am cracker dry
no longer bendable
no longer bruisable
no longer decaying
no longer that of potential

I am brittle and empty
I snap and splinter
and plumes of dust are taken in the wind
to finally disappear properly
instead of insisting on this husk, this form, this armature of empty.

so sprinkle my dust into soil
let life eat away at what’s left
scatter these remains
so I can live on
in others
if not myself.

may the water be sweet and cool
may it settle into every nook and soothe 
and perhaps i’ll be calm for the first time

may the water bring abundance to a mere armature 
and fill it with life that no longer resides there
so my body can be animated for the last time

may the water quench that which is unattainable
may it saturate and nourish the barren
and create an absence of pain

and when the water stings and burns and 
screams 
and i fight
and resist
and panic and 
force the tranquility from my lungs

let me be embraced and held by it’s composed frigidity
so i can let go
and feel my form dissipate

into waves and currents and tides

returned

finally.

i keep wanting to see me
keep wanting to meet me
keep seeing glimpses, a hue, a sheen of that person
still disconnected from the “who”
but i see the focus
i see the hyper awareness of this “new”
and i see the way you’re repelled
by this layer you’ve ordained as dirt
so i’ll scrub again
cleanse again
to dissolve the glimpses of me
for a few days at least
this constant pruning
leads to regrowth
and you wouldn’t prune suddenly visible roots
of an old tree
so acquiesce
sooner rather than later
i don’t want glimpses anymore

some days the differences feel too illuminating
too neon
too flashing
too grating
and all the rest seem invisible
and despite it looking like mycelium
all i can see are the disconnected variants
too bright
too unkind
too unempathetic
the unnatural obscuring what’s natural
it isn’t accurate though
considering the strength in the hyphae
the expanse of territory it’s explored over time
too rooted
too real
too important
if only you’d stop pointing out the anomalies

seeing you chisel at yourself, make yourself you
helping you clean off the the layers of expectations
of pressure
of pain
i feel love
i feel warm
i feel guilt
for not being able to share in it
for you deserve to share that joy
experience that euphoria with another
and it feels as though i’m once again
taking, consuming
a syphon for your joy
i hope i don’t add more layers

today the lack of collagen isn’t just in my connective tissue
i feel the strands of experiences twisting and breaking down
as if they want to get me to stop
i think it means i should be kind and delicate
perhaps some elmore’s oil and a weighted blanket
or googling again if i’m eligible for care
(you never are)
instead i think i should just do what i usually do
be a sock outta the buskin duo for the day
eventually i’ll feel it
(you never do)

suddenly you feel like acid on my skin​
suddenly I am afraid its all a lie​
a lie we’ve been telling each other​
for the sake of convenience
and one question keeps lingering​
one I daren’t utter​
one I daren’t explore​
am I awake now?
maybe it isn’t just a passing thought

I’m putrid and rotten
Please stop fucking touching me
You’ll be mouldy too
Twitchy and swirling, I can’t look away
I’m awake again after months
Spare me the pain.
And if things end up okay
I’ll be another anvil on your chest
So I’ll stay unhinged
Dissonant and crowded
I’ll be votive flesh
Putrid, rotten, now purposeful
No longer trivial
I have a use.

And I’m tired
Once again I’m tired
​
My self hatred, manifesting as this pure, visceral anger under my skin.
Radiating and pulsating, destroying everything around me.
And I’m red.
Angry, fucking red.
Swollen, putrid, repulsive
My flesh isn’t mine anymore
And yet I cannot bleed out and drain this poison.
This poison that’s changing me.
I’m eaten and refilled every hour.
A lifetime in every minute.
Maybe one of these minutes will be the last.

am i wrong? do i not understand?
did something get lost between those sheets?
am i stupid
i’m still dirty
i’m still changed
still just meat
or flesh
or maybe still just a child
stupid, overreacting
selfish
of course, another cup of tea will help
i’m wrong after all
and you’re my friend
that has no idea
isn’t that what you said?
in those texts
i’m still sorry.
i’m still guilty.
i’m afraid of being right, of understanding.
you raped me
didn’t you

My room is dark, silent, and thick with all that I am.
A sickly sweet night of constant flashes – her dreams.
I was born – formed from nothing.
​
I felt no pain. I knew no happiness.
But a comforting blanket of sleep.
I was nothing – but the love for her.

She screamed for me.
To be in my place, to feel no pain.
To forget – be nothing.

And I awoken – such painful colours, music, such harsh art.
Such wonder and such scratching light.
Reality – I knew nothing of.

These fingers – another’s.
This voice – syllables so alien.
That reflection was – still is, nothing to me.

I am trapped – a flesh cage.
My tendrils touching every edge, rearing to escape.
My being, nothing close to human.

And perhaps this form will endure me still.
This strange, alien body I’ve tried to fit into over the years.
This world I still know nothing about.

How I long for that emptiness.
How I wish to have no purpose once again.
No memories, no emotions, nothing to burn me.

But I know love, I know joy.
I have oxygen, I have memories.
I am an alter. I want to be something. I want to be human.

I want to be real.

I have been lessened.
​
​A measly, scraggly half.​
that predicted hollow self​
My light source, hidden away.​
not turned off of course – simply kept
such passion, such fervent acts.​
This love was – is​
was​
So much more.
Connected as Cathy and Heathcliff.​
the destructive fire.​
colours, taken from me in an instant​
by my Heathcliff, by the same soul.
You created a monster.​
You made me insane.​
You fashioned yourself a shadow, forced to contort to your desires.​
I was – is​
was​
your devoted.
I cannot recall your features​
your voice​
us.​
I long for that horrible mess I was, the dissonance.​
I long for you, Heathcliff.
I have been lessened.

Guide me,
show me my errors.
Mold me, hold me.
touch me
Carve me with your fingers
take me higher, make me fly
Give it a clout.
Ground me.
anchor me into the present.
Lock me within myself
and remind me you’re there.
Entrench my mind.
kiss me
you are the only thing in this universe
shine.
hold me, advise me and care like you do.
i need it.
i crave it.
shape me into greatness

You know when you were a kid and you broke something?
A cup, a glass, a vase.
And you would try to chuck out all the pieces before anyone notices.
Not much has changed.
I broke a window.
I just wanted to see.
And now I have pieces to hide

Though you soften me with your glowing carress of words;​
Though your compliments bring light to my dull gaze;​
Though I now sleep with laughter lingering on my lips;​
I am selfish.​
I am revelling in your attention.​
I am blossoming in your affection.​
I am taking​
and taking​
and consuming.
You are as bountiful as an untouched forest;​
As providing as a field of corn before the harvest moon.​
And I am your own personal plague of locust, your tailored blight.​
I will take​
and take​
and eat​
and devour.​
And you will be drained,​
devout of all you are.​
all you are known for.​
all that makes you, you.
And I will go.​
Full, ashamed and disgusted.​
For you will be a shell.​
You will be stripped down and I will have done this.​
I will be your demise​
and all I would have stolen will be for naught.
My carcass will never fill.​
And I’m so hungry.

Dissonance soothes​
through clashes, the wrong, the bad​
In the chaos – disorder​
pattern emerges
Cacophony to cacophony​
we find order – sense​
Beauty from the distorted
Finally it converges​
perfectly opposing​
Perfection from the flawed.

That seducing teal​
The tempting silver reflection​
The piercing cold
Take me there​
Listen to nature with me​
Share the dark with me
Let the luxurious tenderness take you​
Let the sweet ice air into your every pore​
Let the waves roll over your eyes and fill them with bitter sand
give in​
like I have
And maybe​
We won’t be anymore​
And instead simply exist
as two spirits​
roaming the velvet navy sky

Yesterday I loved you
and tomorrow, no different.
But today, I do not. I will not. I cannot.
For you are the sun. Radiant as ever.
And I am the hidden moon.
I cannot love one so different.
One so utterly beautiful, one filled with such day.
For I am the night and my darkness cannot contaminate your luminous aura.
So today, I do not love you.
Not until I am myself again.
Not until you illuminate me
once more.
Like you did only yesterday.

steady pulse of the cragieburn line
accompaniment of business men making meetings
chorus of teens checking their phones – dancing in the background
so the stars of the show
are in focus
the two heroines together at last
singing their silent duet
the climax of the story
and yet completely oblivious
to their surroundings
all the acts have led to this – built up to this
hearts speeding ahead of the beat
duet nearly over – story as cliché as ever
silent high note
and it happens
the meridian, the warmth, the soft skim
end of the performance – the heroines osculate
standing ovation, they bow and part
applause sounding in their mind
adrenaline stinging their lips
this is our stage
our musical
our duet
and you’re my prima donna

Hard, fast and forceful.​
There’s no other way.
I leapt upon you cadaver the moment we had some privacy.​
I held you, trembling, nervous and sweating with anticipation.​
In the dark of the night, I traced your figure deliberately.​
I know your lines, your dents, your imperfections.​
And we know what’s going to happen, we’ve been here so many times.
I cling onto your body, smiling as the tension overcomes.​
I cannot resist you.​
I see you shine with pride in the darkness as my eyes lock onto you body.
Finally, I make my move.​
I push your entire being to mine.​
Release, lust, desire.​
Euphoria grows with the adrenaline rush of your embrace.​
Beauty and utter bliss.
My secret lover, always there to comfort.​
Always there as relief from the pressure that builds.​
No one knows you, you are mine and mine alone.​
And yet, you own me, control me and completely dictate all I do.
I make no sound as you touch me.​
I show no emotions and never so I allow my thoughts to show.​
For you, my love, make me feel something other than the penetrating numbness.
For a fleeting moment, my heart is saturated with beautiful pain and almost as quickly as it
began, it was done.​
The joy immediately drained from my mind and the dark returned.​
It was done.​
And I was ashamed, yet so thankful.
I felt it.​
I was alive.​
My blade, my lover, had assuaged me like nothing ever could.

Existence depends on
Interactions
Between atoms, cells, humans
Like forces repel; unlike, attract
That’s why
You complete me
And I exist
For you
The better half
The opposite

Blending hues, simple with primary, producing complementary.​
The blue from the ice and the gold sparkle from your eyes makes me green with envy.​
The lustful red lips and the incredible blue depth of the ocean give me the nobility of the
royal purple.

There’s a colour that possesses me and doesn’t need another to create its own.​
Special, numbing, dominating and powerful.​
My secret act of defiance to the world.​
My source of power. My final virtue.
The tingling, insentient silver.​

The friendly and welcoming silver embraces me as if a friend from a long and treacherous
journey.​
Silver demands something from me and I gladly surrender what it requires.​
What it craves, what I crave.​
And every time, more of my embodiment is imbibed.

As if a portent, the silver avulses the red from my cadaver.​
Oh, what a thing to marvel!​
My animation being expunged with minimal encumbrance.​
Oh how seductive, beguiling, 
you are my covert animus!​

The red essence of my existence easily falling away.​
The flirtatious knowledge it can be all taken from your fragile chassis.
Silver thirsts for red.​
Pines for it.​
And I relinquish all I can.​

For my intimate silver blesses me with a gift.​
For fleeting moments, I am cognisant.​
And for that, I cannot elude silver.

We sleep – as the distance extends​
And yet retreats with every breath –​
You take
The subconscious comes through​
Your inner sanctum unlocked –​
The ardor no less than before
Gentle silence through the electrical whirring.​
And I realise that all I know of the universe​
Is you –​
This phone call
We drifted within ourselves and between​
You – I – forsaken from the rest​
But found intrinsic
I listen and all at once ignite​
For I – you – mended​
Augmented from nothing​
To nothing for –​
Naught exists but us and that which binds
Time stays within purview​
But leaves us – to wallow –​
In silence – sound – dragging me into piety​
We cannot be​
And still​
We are –

2 am and my thighs burn​
Deciding why I can’t acquire oxygen like everyone else​
And you seem troubled and bothered​
I don’t know what about​
The loss of blood makes me dizzy​
And you sound worried​
There’s no need to worry about the dead​
And you’ll be okay​
I’m okay​
Don’t wake me up tomorrow
I want to sleep.

The fire I had for you, now only a blight.
Your disease, once love, infected my blood.
The warmth you gave me, changed to ice.
Your eyes, once sweet, veils me like lace.
The scars you left, stains my heart like cancer.
Your voice, once infatuating, wipes out my identity
The isolation I suffered, beat my life to a pulp.
Your scent, once comforting, scars my appearance.
The venom of your love seeped through me like poison.
Your skin, once velvet, burns my crust.
The hostility I felt carved my passion into disgust.
Your breath, once enticing, overcomes my vision.
The sound of your cello, stroke me down like lightning.
Your kiss, once gentle, condemns my core.
The resonance of your laugh, penetrates my bones.
Your taste, once cherubic, excoriates my breath.
The aggression I went through, lacerated my speech.
Your face, once sacred, prevails my feelings.
The malevolence you inflicted, sentenced my mortality.
Your hair, once refined, eradicates my entity.
The love I felt was destroyed by your hate.
My heart, like a flower, has shrivelled to nothing.

I believe, pixies and fairies live at the bottom of my garden,
I believe, the shiny stones in my pond were once rubies and gems.
I believe, angels talk to all children in their sleep and tell them beautiful stories.
I believe, the universe is a wonderful place where everybody can live in peace and harmony.
I believe, the sun shines when we smile at each other.
I believe, the world is a better place each time we care for someone.
I believe, music helps us fly to unknown places and brings us joy.
I believe, love is a deep ocean where we can bathe eternally and be fulfilled.
I believe, true feelings comes from the bottom of the heart and is the secret of friendship.
I believe, we can make this world better if we believe in ourselves and in everything we like.